OUR SECOND RAINBOW BABY
We have some BIG NEWS! We get to design a NURSERY in our fixer upper! Baby is due early January.
As soon as we found out that I was pregnant I felt SO much hope which was quickly met with overwhelming fear. The fear to hope… We’ve experience loss before and after Wilder, and I just didn’t know how this pregnancy was going to go (I still don’t).
THE FEAR TO HOPE —
My first miscarriage happened several years ago and it was a harsh reality of just how delicate pregnancy truly is for some. I became that statistic. I was the 1 in 4. That loss hit me hard for so many reasons and I had some pretty dark times after that. For a long time, I was scared to even try for another baby because I couldn’t bear the thought of another loss. Part of the reason it was so hard was because I suffered in silence. I didn’t talk about it. There still exists a taboo around miscarriage that makes you feel a weird sense of “silly” for feeling so sad. I don’t even have the words to describe all the emotions that exist around the loss of a life inside of you.
It was about 2.5 years later of trying that we finally had a positive pregnancy test and there was so much joy stolen from that moment out of the sheer fear of loss. Really the whole pregnancy was consumed with fear. Even days before Wilder’s birth, I thought something bad was bound to happen. You can read all about her birth story here.
When Wilder turned ONE, we were finally ready to try for our second. It took a few months, but we had a positive pregnancy test and I was ELATED!! This time, I didn’t feel that same fear because we had had a successful pregnancy. What could go wrong this time? I even told family immediately because I could NOT contain my excitement. I was met with that same harsh reality from all those years ago - pregnancy, no matter where you are in your journey, truly is so delicate. We lost another baby. The feelings were the same and different. Having a child already there was even more guilt around being sad. You already have one - why should this affect you so much? The biggest difference was that I was way more open in my sadness this time around. I had a little following on instagram that I shared my grief with and felt a sense of support in that community.
We waited 2 months (per doctor’s orders) and started trying again. It didn’t happen immediately. Every month my period was late, I let that little glimmer of hope in and bought a pregnancy test only to see the one line appear and have my heart broken every month. I feel like pregnancy was happening all around me so effortlessly. Announcement after announcement. Obviously, I didn’t know their stories and their struggles, but all I could see was the joy of others. It’s a weird feeling of being extremely happy for those around you and also disappointed in your own body and it’s failures.
It was exactly 9 months after that miscarriage that I had another positive pregnancy test. We had been trying for our second baby well over a year now. I was about 2 weeks late for my period so I took a test, it was negative. A few days later I took another one, also negative. I had an infertility appointment scheduled that month already so three days before it, I decided to take a third pregnancy test - it was positive. I was met with hope and that overwhelming sense of fear… the fear to hope. I was sure it had to be a false positive, so I took another one. It was positive. I sat there, in the restroom, repeating to myself… “I’m pregnant…I’m pregnant… I’m pregnant…” Just hoping that if I repeated the words enough times, I would start to believe it. I told Reed and he was SO HAPPY. I needed to call my OB to tell them that the appointment for infertility needed to change to a new pregnancy - but I was terrified to say the words out loud to them. If I say it, will it still be true? I pushed through that fear and called. I was too early so I would have to wait 2 more weeks which felt like an eternity.
By the time, I went to my first appointment I was 8 weeks along (according to my last menstrual period). When they did the internal ultrasound, it showed that baby was only the size of being 5 weeks along. This meant that I had to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound to see if something was wrong or if I just ovulated late. These two weeks were torture. Every time I peed, I was terrified of seeing blood. Every tiny cramp that I had, I was sure it was a sign of something bad. I went into that second appointment with my heart racing. The technician pulled up the ultrasound and showed baby, sure enough baby was the size of 8 weeks and we can see the little heart beating. This meant that I just ovulated late. Tears filled my eyes and as soon as I got to my car after that appointment I made a promise to myself.
I made a promise… that I would cherish and celebrate the life inside of me every day that I have the privilege of carrying it. Whether that’s 6 weeks or 40 — this sweet baby is going to be loved and celebrated. I still struggle with this on the daily and I still feel the fear to hope creeping in constantly. I’m officially 12 weeks now so I’m coming into my second trimester. This helps me breath a little easier, but the fear doesn’t go away. However, I am doing my best to feel joy daily too. I don’t want the joy to be stolen from this pregnancy because I know from experience and hindsight all the magical things that go along with pregnancy. I tell myself that God just meant for me to have rainbow babies here on earth and he’s holding my other two tightly for me until I’m there.
THE FIRST 12 WEEKS —
This pregnancy has been VERY different already from Wilder’s. I had morning sickness with Wilder, but it was mild compared to this little nugget’s. Nausea has been a 24/7 thing. We are in the middle of a very extensive home renovation right now. When I say extensive, I mean all of the walls and insulation were torn down and we have a shell of house. So there is A LOT of work to be done. Basically it’s been a mix of me hammer drilling the tile out and puking in the backyard on my breaks. HA! That’s not even an exaggeration. If you’re wondering why I would puke in the yard, well we have zero toilets in the house right now…so the outdoors it is. We are one with nature LOL! Around the 9/10 week mark, driving became really hard. The nausea would hit anytime I was in the car, so my trips to our fixer upper have been few and far between. I’m hoping that the tides will turn soon and the nausea will fade. But everyday I’ve been nauseous, I’ve also been thankful because I know it’s a sign that hormones are doing what they do.
